Parshat Metzora  10 Nissan 5763, 12 April 2003

By Shlomo Riskin

Efrat, Israel - The Passover Seder is an evening dedicated first and foremost to the relationship between the generations, to parents communicating to their children the agony and the ecstasy of Egyptian enslavement and exodus - that seminal Biblical drama which most profoundly forged our Israeli identity and traditions. Indeed, the masterful booklet which tells the tale and structures (seder, order) the entire evening is called the haggadah (lit. telling), from the Biblical verse "And you shall tell your children on that day" Ve,higadeta (Exodus 13:3). But what if your children- or one of your children - is not interested in hearing? What if he or she is willing to participate in the meal, but is totally tuned out of and turned off to the ritual which surrounds and informs the meal? How are we, the parent teachers and communicators, supposed to respond in such a case?

The haggadah is not only a text of the Egyptian experience; it is also a masterful guide to the art of effectively parenting-communicating the message of our mesorah (tradition). By its very premiere place as the center-piece of a much anticipated evening dedicated to the performance of many commandments, commandments which parents are to experience together with their children, we learn that we can only successfully impart a value and a venue which we ourselves believe in and act out; children will learn not by what we say but by how we perform.

Moreover, our children-students must feel that they are the prime focus of the evening, and not mere adjuncts to an adult happening; and the message must be molded in such a way as to respond to their questions and concerns (maggid begins with the "four questions"). And each individual must be given the opportunity to ask his/her questions and to receive answers appropriate to both question and questioner (note the "four children" of the seder). Finally the atmosphere around the table must be more experiential than cerebral, punctuated by familial stories and the fun of games (hide-the-afikoman), and warmed by wine, food, and love. Such is the haggadah's formula for effective communication between parents and children - not just one evening a year, but every single day of every year.

But what of the apathetic, disinterested child? One of the four prototypical children of the seder is the "wicked child", whom the author of the haggadah designates as such because of the Biblical question ascribed to him, "What is this service (avodah) to you?" (Exodus 12:26). Why does the haggadah assume a negative attitude on the part of this child who is merely seeking a relevant explanation for a ritual he doesn't understand?

The haggadah's answer to this child also seems unduly harsh. " '(What is this service to you,' and not to him. And because he took himself out of the historic Jewish community, he denied the basic principle. And so you must set his teeth on edge (hak'he), and tell him, "It is because of this (ritual) that G-d did for me (so many wonders) in taking me out of Egypt" (Exodus 13:8). 'G-d did for me' and not for him! Had he been there, he would not have been redeemed!"

The seemingly abrasive response of the haggadah seems to be the very opposite of everything we've been positing! "Set his teeth on edge"! - Does this mean (G-d forbid) wrap him in the mouth? And why switch person in the middle of the dialogue? First the haggadah reads, "And you tell him" (second person), and then concludes - as if you aren't even speaking to him - "had he been there, he would not have been redeemed," (third person). Has he been closed out of the family seder?

I believe that the most fundamental message of the Passover seder - indeed, of family dynamics, of classroom management and of national policy as well - is to be inclusive and not exclusive, to make everyone feel wanted and accepted rather than merely tolerated or rejected! Indeed, it is in the context of the response to the wicked child that the haggadah teaches that the most basic principle of our faith is to include oneself - as well as everyone who can possibly be included - within the historical community of Israel, to be part of the eternal chain of Jewish being, to be a member of the family! Therefore, the problem with this child's question is not his search for relevance: that is to be applauded and properly responded to. The problem is the fact that he excluded himself from the familial - national celebration; he saw it as applying to "you" and not to "him".

The author of the haggadah tells the head of the family, when confronted by a child who excludes himself from the family ritual, to "hak'heh" his teeth; not the familiar Hebrew form haceh, which means to strike or hit, but rather the unusual Hebrew hak'heh, which means to blunt or remove the sharpness by means of the warmth of fire (Ecclesiastes 10:10; B. T. Yevamot 110b). Tell him, says the author of the haggadah, that although we are living thousands of the years after the fact, G-d took me - and him/her as my child - out of Egypt, because we are all one historic family, united by our family celebrations and traditions; tell him that the most important principle of our tradition is to feel oneself an integral part of a family which was once enslaved and is now free - and to re-live this message of the evils of slavery and the glories of freedom because if they happened to our forbears it is as if they happened to us. Since we were formed by them, we are them and they are us! And so is he/she!

And don't tell it to him matter-of-factly by rote or harshly with animus. Tell it to him with the flame and passion of fire which blunts sharp iron, with the warmth and love of a family which is claiming and welcoming its own as one who belongs - no matter what! Encourage him to take part in and feel a part of the familial - national celebration. Then, but only then, will he feel redeemed.

And why the switch in person, from second person to third person? Perhaps this child asked his question, and left the table. He spoke and ran, leaving you no choice but to address him as a third person no longer in your presence. What do you do then? I would suggest that when we open the door for Elijah, it is not in order to let Elijah the prophet in. After all, anyone who can visit every Jewish seder more-or-less simultaneously will not be obstructed by a closed door. I believe that we open the door - in the spirit of the herald of redemption who will restore the hearts of the children to the parents and the parents to the children - in order for us to go out, to find the "wicked child" and lovingly restore him to the family seder table. This is the greatest challenge of the seder night!

Shabbat Shalom and Hag Sameach.

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